It says advanced critique so here goes...
I liked the first half alot, the words went well and the ideas came together in a pleasantly sarcastic, slightly sardonic way...then I suppose the second half comes and the first two lines of the three line bit about robots worked pretty well, but I feel like you kind of held something back because "yet they cant think or speak for themselves" is more of a good thought to add, but judging by the wording of the rest of the poem, I think you could put it a bit more...dont really know if the word eloquently works with a ranting poem, but I think it could be put a bit more eloquently so that the poem doesnt stop so much at that line, because thats what it felt like to me. The start of the next stanza does the same thing, its a good thought, and what you're saying in this stanza is a good and crucial part of the poem, yet you need to transition it better. Its like your just taking the fact that humans dont think and throwing it entirely at God, but (sorry for the metaphor) its like your trying to throw a football, fumble, pick it up and try again and manage to throw it...I do like the poem though, I agree with most of it...sorry about the gigantic paragraph, wastin time before class. Anyway, hope that was somewhat helpful, if not long enough...

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So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you'll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away

-streetlight manifesto

Thank you very much for the critique. I love getting feedback, especially the long ones like this. I re-read the poem and I see what you're saying about the last few stanzas, it's not in conjunction really with the beginning, and it's very vague and choppy. I've been trying to do poems that have a certain rhyme scheme or syllable count, but it's so much easier for me to just freewrite and not edit it. I think that's what the problem is, I freewrite and don't edit and usually when I do that I start to rush at the end so I can be done with it and evaluate it and then stick it on here. I just need to spend some more time on my work.

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There's no hell when you die, so don't look so worried.

when you write, you should try putting it on deviant, or even just letting it sit for a couple days and then come back to it and see if it all works as well as you thought when you first wrote it. Its often easier to see whats wrong this way. You should try it. anyway, good luck with your poetry and such!

--
So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you'll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away

-streetlight manifesto

"I hope the frequency waves from your plasma makes your children's brains rot."<---best line ever

I love this poem; it is so true! Coupla nitpicky things---in the second stanza, it should be "thrust," not "thrusted," and in the last stanza, you switched from 1st person (we) to 2nd person (you); either would work, but not both together

Besides that, awesome, I it. In fact, I think I shall fave it well done!

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Thus sayeth the Muffin.

~ThePurpleNurple It's teh funneh.
*WordCount It's teh wordeh.

I like how you rhyme on rare occasion throughout the poem but not constantly and that last line is very strong and unexpected. If youre not a big fan of fight club already I would suggest you see it. Its full of similar ideas to these.

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I PUSH PAINT AROUND ON LARGE WHITE SQUARES!!!

[link]

Thank you very much for the comment and the critique, it is much appreciated. I looked over the poem again and realized I did use both 1st and 2nd person I shall edit that. And thank you for the fav!

--
There's no hell when you die, so don't look so worried.

Actually, Fight Club is one of my favorite movies. Thank you very much for the comment!

--
There's no hell when you die, so don't look so worried.

no problem

--
Thus sayeth the Muffin.

~ThePurpleNurple It's teh funneh.
*WordCount It's teh wordeh.